Mom’s Leadership Manual

I have been a mom for 18 years. Longer than I have been a leader. People I work with look at me as a leader but I always think about myself as a mom. It’s been the most important part of my identity for the last 18 years.

If you follow a stereotype, being a successful leader in a large organization and a full-time mother of three, is hard. If not impossible. Well, it is possible and if you take the right approach and focus on the right things at the right time, it’s not at all that hard.

I have recently figured that it would be worthwhile to think about how my mom-self has helped me become who I am at work — a Product Manager, building and leading successful teams.

What I am not saying is that if you are not a parent you can not be a great leader. What I am saying is that it is worth realizing how your mom-superpowers can help you in successfully leading teams.

In my story, I am not sharing a breakthrough approach to leadership. There are people smarter than myself who do it better than me. What I am trying to do is help women realize that they can use many of their experiences as moms in their professional careers. Being a mom can help you grow as a leader.

If you are a mom and you are struggling to see the light in the tunnel — take a minute to read this post. Your sleepless nights and long debates about which dress to wear to the party can help you become a successful professional. Just make sure to use your mom’s powers in a different context.

Before you ask. Why not dads? My answer is simple. Although diversity and inclusion have been hot for over a decade, men still have it easier. If you are a dad, and you will find my story helpful — great! Maybe you will even decide to go end spend more time if your kids. I know it would help you become a better leader at work.

Listening and hearing

Think about all the nights when you were only half asleep and could wake up within seconds the moment you heard your baby’s soft cry. The constant state of alertness, being ready to react instantly to the slightest signal of something going wrong. It’s relatively easy with babies. Their language is simple. It gets more tricky when your kids grow up and start sending conflicting signals. It takes more effort to figure their needs. When are they ready for a hug and a chat, and when is it better to leave them alone?

As a mom, I always hear and see more than others. Weird look on my daughter's face. Big smile on my son’s face when he is chatting with friends on his mobile. My attention is always up and running.

It’s not much different with teams. If you listen carefully, if you watch for signals, you can easily spot if someone is struggling with a project or when someone’s efforts have not been appreciated enough.

Listening requires time but it’s hearing that is really hard. Hearing requires effort and attention. A good leader, just like a good parent, should always be able to find time to listen to their team and should pay close attention to the message that is being delivered.

Exercise empathy

I remember Tristan Harris, saying that while we are crossing new technological boundaries, empathy will become the skill of the future. Empathy is a unique humane trait and only by exercising deep human-to-human connections, we can remain who we are.

Empathy means I can feel what it is to be you. Empathy is not something that we can take for granted. Some of us are lucky enough to be equipped with this skill, others have to practice it. Use this tool if you are trying to understand where you are on the continuum. You can not build or master your empathy without understanding yourself first.

I know empathy is my superpower. I think being a mom helped me master it. Watching my children grow, reacting to their good and bad moods, deeply caring about their future — this defined how I look at other people, how I try to understand their motivations and emotions.

I now take this skill and use empathy to help my team navigate the complex reality of the organization, build the best career paths for them and help them grow as professionals. Empathetic professionals.

Allow for autonomy

My eldest son has turned 18 a few months ago. He has given me enough opportunities to practice what allowing for autonomy means for a parent. You have to let them fall from their bikes. You have to close the door to their bedroom and just ignore the mess for now. You let them choose the highschool which scores third on your shortlist. The older your kids grow, autonomy starts to creep into more and more aspects of their young lives.

It’s very similar when you lead teams. You have to be able to identify situations when there is a need for handholding. But more often than not — you have to let it go. Let your team break things and learn from their failures. You provide direction and high-level principles, they tell you what they’ll do.

From my experience, this aspect of both parenthood and leadership is the hardest to master. But there is nothing that gives more joy than seeing your kid riding a bike on their own or observing your team smashing through the challenges of a difficult project. On their own.

Debating and deciding

My biggest lesson learned is looking for the right balance between debating problems and making decisions. The moment your child can use words, brace yourself for some serious debates. With three kids, one of them a grown-up, debates are my daily bread. It’s small things, like where should we go for a walk, but also big life-defining experiences.

I like debating and I always try to give my kids enough space for a good conversation. Not always do they consider me a partner, but when they do — we talk.

No matter how good the debate, there is time for conclusions. Time to make a decision. It’s not always on me to make one, but it’s often on me to tell the moment. The debate is over; time to decide.

As a leader, I find it critical to make sure I gather enough context and let my team engage in a conversation. Some of the best ideas are born in team debates. While debating is usually easy and often very fun — deciding is hard. It’s on leaders to help teams identify the moment and successfully go through the decision-making process.

Closing notes

I can not remember the original author of this quote. And the wording might be slightly different. But it stuck with me:

When you lead, your heart should be filled with love and patience.

It’s a great summary of what leadership is about. In professional life — love is replaced by empathy and care, but the key message remains the same. Truly caring about the people you work with and having time and patience to take them on the journey with you — this is leadership mom’s way.